it's been a while.

so yeah, i posted a blog on myspace.

but it's so much more than that.

a lot of people can see thatone, so it got my basics out.
but the real deal is that i can't TRUST anyone.
i have ZERO faith in the people that used to surround me.
and the reason i write it here is because
those people that i can't trust don't know about this blog.

its frustrating.
i hate the DeSlow's [haha]
i hate douchebag Matt.
I'm learning that i cant trust the "twins"
[i might as well call them that
rumor has it that they mimic each other frustratingly often].
but this i do not know.
i can't trust Mr Mike.
.....ok not that i ever did.
but he and i were still on speaking terms when drama hit.
lol he and i are still on speaking terms.
and its sad cuz he hasn't done anything,
but by association i wont go there.

i still trust Toby and Amber in this town.
...well and little white, but thats separate.
and you too, andrea.
but thats separate too.

i mean, i've given these people everything...
shoulders to cry on,
food to eat,
words of advice,
support when thats the last thing i wanted to give,
a place to be,
forms of entertainment,
and someone who FOUGHT for them.
I stomped out rumors for them,
and what do they do in return?
spread some about me.

i just need to get away.
i need more money.
i need to be able to afford to leave.
Jen and shan, you guys are gone...
alyssa and alicia are gone....
if it weren't for Perrie and the rest of the family here...
both mine and his families i should say...
things would get ugly and reckless.

pretty much i hate them all.
but hey this is just making me stronger.
it's turning me into a bitch.
and i'm glad, because its a fucking ASSET.

le fuckin sigh.

i wish i could make a column chart on here.
ugh.

so.... lets see.... good things.....

• i went to an opera the other day. La Boheme. it was, in short, AMAZING. i loved it.
• i got to play in the snow yesterday!
• i've been able to spend a lot of time with Perrie [and the rest of the fam] lately. i love them. they make me happy.
• a really good opportunity at work may be unfolding for me soon.
  
• i ordered my glasses! they should be here soon!
• i've been chillin n talkin to people i haven't in forever. people i've missed.

mmmmm... some not so bueno things....

• i broke my CV shaft on my jetta! i'm so upset about it. and it wont be able to get fixed til thursday. ugh!
  
• mama and i have been going rounds. she doesn't get me, i get pissed off at her, etc... its a not goood situation.
• i kinda sorta maybe lost all my cash yesterday. cash i kinda sorta need.
• basically, my will is shot and my motivation is low right now.
• ugh. i'm just, blah.

i am sitting here in my pj's bein pissed at the world for no reason.
i need to go take a shower or something. cheer up.
i don't feel like writing anything else, really.

except that i had a dream i got rid of the lowering suspension on my jetta.
and you know? it's really tempting.

Martin Luther King Jr. said it Best.

FREE AT LAST
FREE AT LAST
THANK GOD ALMIGHTY
I AM FREE AT LAST!!!


The oh-mighty burnout king
in his POS mustang drove out of my life yesterday.
for the last time.
i will never need to be in direct contact with him again.
i will tolerate him, for our friends' sakes, in social gatherings.
but i feel that we will never be friends again.
and definitely not like we were before.
and, to me, that is kind of sad.
i mean, i don't regret the memories and such,
but for the sake of our friendship
part of me wishes we had never dated.
the Jordin Sparks song "Tattoo" creepily enough
truly is fitting for us.
oh well.
he is in the past and i have found my happiness again.
i just wish he could understand how many smiles were forced.
how i truly wasn't happy and i knew it.
oh well.
i'm happy again.

at least i have the love of my life back!!!
[tehe] yes, i got my darling Elliott back yesterday.
he was sooo scared at first
cuz of all the commotion and being moved around and such.
but he's so happy and cuddly and back to being mama's little purr-bot!
he's only a little spoiled. i missed him so much!

well i know i have more to write about later.
but i feel very liberated and wanted to express it.
i love you all.

i am what i am and thats all that i am

a HOOLIGAN!

ugh.
thats my favorite word these days.
so today was good.
i worked. and i had lunch with Andrea.
pizza mmmmmmm.......
we talked about next weekend.
i'm going tanning with Shannon when she gets gome tomorrow.
i'm sure i'll here all kinds of stories about monmouth! :)

bahhh.
i miss people.
people i've seen lately and people i haven't seen in a while.
people i dont get to talk to much anymore.
its weird how much the changing times can affect you.
people you'd never thought you'd miss....
you suddenly do, after weeks, months, years go by.
even after only days. hours.
i don't understand.

i smell rosemary.
i despise the smell of rosemary.
it burns my nose.
i don't wanna be here right now.
i wanna get away.
that feeling of home doesn't exist for me anymore.
and it makes me restless, flighty.

i hate to waste a blog on lyrics.

What Kinda Gone - Chris Cagle

I heard the door slam, and I couldn't tell
Was it just the wind, or was she mad again? (aww hell)
She's gettin in her car. I holler "Baby, is there something wrong?"
Thought i heard her say something sounding like "i'm gone".
But these days gone can mean so many things.

There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your doggone life.
Is it whiskey night or just a couple beers.
I mean what I kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

Well, it's gettin' dark out, she ain't back yet
Ain't called home, turned off the phone. (aww man)
Ha, this might not be good. I woulda' stopped her when she went to leave
But I didn't call 'cause I didn't really think what I'm thinkin' now.
I'm still not sure what gone is all about.

There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your doggone life
Is it whiskey night or just a couple beers.
I mean what I kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?

Is it the kinda' gone where she's at her moms?
Coolin' down, she'll come around
Or the kind that says you had your chance
And she ain't comin' back.

There's gone for good, and there's good and gone
And there's gone with the long before it
I wish she'd been just a little more clear.
Well, there's gone for the day and gone for the night
And gone for the rest of your doggone life
Is it whiskey night or just a couple beers.
I mean what I kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout,
What kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout,
What kinda' gone are we talkin' 'bout here?
What kinda' gone....

What kind of gone shall i be?
we will see.
i'm excited at the thought of leaving here.
it makes me happy to think about.
what kind of gone shall i be?
we will see...

ARRRGGHHH

i'm just PISSED off and HORMONING
and the world is UGLY and i am MAD.

my PARENTS are pissing me off because they won't
even try to help me with my stupid FAFSA...
the FAFSA is freaking rediculous and i don't freaking care if i ever get to college right now...
LAYLA is being an obnoxious little puppy and i know i'm gonna have to kill her later...
old ROOMMATES are frustrating and i can't communicate with them at all.
IPODS are the devil and i hate them and them dying....
i suck at WII sports, not that it matters, but golf is frustrating...
and i am just plain PISSY.

i feel kind of better.
fuck.

building friction when it's getting hot....

so on a side note,
i'm addicted to my new profile song.
it's exhilarating.
it makes me feel gooooood.

so i had the last two days off... MUCH NEEDED.
i slept in both days.
yesterday......
i worked out and took a really long shower.
it felt sooo good.
i hung out with perrie....
i adore him sooo much!
ahh he makes me happy.
we hung out and had a good time.
He's teaching me to play guitar!
i'm kind of ambidextrous when it comes to that, we discovered.
i was frustrated with it, and randomly decided to flip the guitar over.
and hey, it works for me!
its sooooo much fun.
i'm addicted because it's something that challenges me.
most things in life i'm naturally gifted with
[not to brag or anything..... i just am though.]
except things like math. and volleyball.
i hate volleyball haha.
but i still played a team back in the day.
seriously though...
this challenges me and i LOVE it.
i plucked away this morning until my thumb was sore.
then i flipped the guitar over and plucked til the other one was too.
and i loved it.
it's soooo much fun.
i have no natural musical talent, i believe, but i'm having a good time learning.

today i had a reallly nice long chat with Katie Collins.
i adore her.
but we chatted about everything....
emotional, hilarious, annoying, frustrating, DISGUSTING....
it was a really good time.
haha at McDonalds no less.
she's someone i think i need to get to know better.
i really like her, and we have a lot of similarities that are
well.... just random. :)

and i open at work tomorrow.
but i only work a short.
and then i have a lunch date with Andrea...
i'm excited!
well....
i'm getting kicked off the computer, so thats all i have for now i guess.

love you, miss you!